Cats: the fur, the tails, Judi Dench's cannibal coat – discuss the film with spoilers – The Guardian, Theguardian.com
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Usually with an article like this, I’d begin by warning you that the following contains plot spoilers. But I’m not sure whether this does or not, because this is an article about Cats.Catsdoes not have a plot.
It has plenty of other things – it has singing, and dancing, and a bunch of cats who all uniformly look like discarded test subjects from a harrowing genetic splicing accident – but not really a plot. Unless you count “Some cats repeatedly introduce themselves at great length because their greatest wish is to be murdered in a Wicker Man-style death ritual”. Which you absolutely should not.
I have to admit, this is my biggest issue with Cats. In the Rebel Wilson song, we meet other types of animals, and they’re also nightmarish part-human CGI hybrids. The cockroaches – again, complete with human faces and fingers – are one thing. But the mice in Cats will stop me from sleeping properly until the end of time. Because the mice are played by children. The cats are adults and the mice are children, and whenever one of the cats picks up a mouse to eat it, the mouse screams “NO! NO! ”In genuine fear for its life. With a child’s voice. In the future, I guarantee that a serial killer will watch a supercut of the screaming Cats mice before going on a rampage. There is also a dog in Cats. It remains unseen. I will forever be grateful for this.
Why does the film end with an etiquette lesson?Cats is essentially The X Factor for suicidal. cats, which makes Judi Dench a version of Simon Cowell who is marginally less distressing to look at. Once the winning cat has been murdered, she breaks the fourth wall and sings us a song about the proper way for humans to look after cats. Why? Is she threatening us? We saw what she did to the cat who won the murder contest. We saw the lack of other humans in London. Was she warning us that we’d be next? Because, honestly, if the choice is being murdered by cats or remaining alive and having to thing about Cats any more, I’d take the former every time.
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