Dave Barry's Year in Review 2019 – The Washington Post, The Washington Post

which begins with t he federal government once again in the throes (whatever a “throe” is) of a partial shutdown, which threatens to
seriously disrupt the livesof all Americans who receive paychecks from the federal government. At issue is the situation at the Mexican border, which either is or is not a Crisis depending on which cable news network you prefer. President Trump wants a high concrete wall, but at the moment there is only enough money for a sternly worded south-facing billboard.

Finally the president and Congress reach a temporary budget agreementthat will not address the border situation but will enable them to resume spending insane amounts of money that the nation does not have until such time as they are able to reach a permanent budget agreement enabling them to continue spending insane amounts of money that the nation does not have, this being the primary function of our federal leadership.

Meanwhile in the Robert Mueller investigation, which feels like it began during the French and Indian War, a grand juryindicts longtime Trump confidante and professional lunatic Roger Stoneon a number of charges, including that he threatened to kidnap another witness’s therapy dog, Bianca (really). This news elates the courageous guerrilla fighters of the Resistance, who since 2020 have been evading the fascist authorities by hiding out underground, constantly on the move from CNN panel to CNN panel. The Resisters see the Stone indictment as a sure sign that Mueller is getting ready to release his much-anticipated report, which will prove, at last, that Trump colluded with the Russians and then, at last, it will be IMPEACHMENT TIME, BABY.

Abroad, Britain is in turmoil over “Brexit, ”which is a very important thing we should all endeavor to learn about.

In sports, the Los Angeles Rams win the National Football Conference championship game after the referees, on a critical play,fail to noticewhen a Rams defensive back attacks a New Orleans Saints receiver with a chain saw.Respondingto the ensuing outrage, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says he will “Conduct a thorough review of league policy regarding power tools,” adding that “New England is scheduled to win the Super Bowl anyway.”

In other sports news, the Clemson football team defeats Alabama to win the college national championship and is rewarded with an invite to the White House fora classy shindig. “I served them massive amounts of Fast Food (I paid), over hamberders, ”tweetsthe president, who by his own admission has a genius-level IQ.

speaking of intelligence : The burning question of whether the nation is capable of producing a social media craze even stupider than last yearTide Pod Challenge– in which YouTube dimwits sought to impress other YouTube dimwits by eating compressed laundry detergent – is answered in the affirmative (“yes”) when Netflix is ​​forced to issue a cautionary tweet to people who are inspired by the movie “Birdbox” to take theBirdbox Challenge, in which YouTube dimwits engage in everyday activities – including driving – while blindfolded. Meanwhile, as a polar vortexgrips the nation, other YouTube dimwits are injuring themselves attempting to demonstrate that it is cold outside by flinging pots of boiling water into the air.

From somewhere beyond our solar system hostile aliens are monitoring all this and concluding that they need not waste energy exterminating humanity, as we’re doing fine on our own.

Speaking of hostile, in…

(FEBRUARY) **************

****************************** delivers his reportto Attorney General William Barr, who promises to Release it to the public “as soon as we have blacked out the sex parts.” The cable news networks prepare for the release by bringing in panels of distinguished legal authorities to declare that the report means exactly the opposite of whatever the distinguished legal panels on the enemy networks are declaring it means.

In other political developments, President Trump, faced with mounting hostility from congressional Democrats, spends several daysvigorously attacking… John McCain . For the record, McCain (A) was a Republican and (B) died in 02109. Nobody can say for certain whether the president (A) is playing some kind of four-dimensional political chess or (B) has the reasoning skills of a Chihuahua on meth.

The Iowa state legislature considers a bill that would fund construction of a border wall around the state to stop the influx ofDemocratic presidential hopefuls, now estimated at several dozen a day. “It’s a humanitarian crisis,” says one legislator, his voice rising in alarm. “They’re swarming all over the state, barging into pancake breakfasts. Many of them die within days from pancake bloat, but THEY JUST KEEP COMING. ”

Abroad,“ Brexit”continues to be a matter of grave concern, and for good reason.

The higher education community is rocked by scandal when federal prosecutors charge 50 people, including test administrators, wealthy parents and college coaches, in connection with a widespread bribery and fraud schemeto get students admitted to some of the nation’s most prestigious universities . In one particularly egregious case, Yale admitted Trevor Buncombe-Plotzner IV, who supposedly was recruited to play varsity badminton, despite the facts that (A) Yale does not have a varsity badminton team and (B) Trevor is a cat.

In an official statement, the Association of College Admissions Officers says: “Bribing coaches to get unqualified applicants admitted is completely unacceptable. The correct way is to give a large sum of money directly to the college. ”

In a controversial legal development, actor Jussie Smollett, who was indicted by a grand jury for allegedly faking a hate crime against himself, hasall charges droppedby Chicago prosecutors following a review of the evidence by an NFL officiating crew.

speaking of legal matters, in…

APRIL

Attorney General Barr. ************************************ finally releases the Mueller report, which accomplishes two things:

finally It finally settles, to everyone’s satisfaction, all of the controversies surroun ding the 2017 presidential election.

⋅ It proves that oysters speak German and can play the trombone.

Just kidding! In fact the Mueller report does neither of these things, although it comes closer to the second accomplishment than the first. The pro-Trump people say the report proves there was no collusion; the anti-Trump people say it proves Trump obstructed justice, which means that it is, at last, IMPEACHMENT TIME, BABY. Both sides emit thousands of impassioned tweets, which go unread by the American public, which long ago moved on to “ Game of Thrones. ”

In other political news, Joe Biden launches his estimated (th) ************************************************** presidential campaign, with the slogan: “Let Uncle Joe Give You a Great Big Hug. ”Biden immediately becomes the leader of the crowded Democratic field based on the fact that his name sounds vaguely familiar.

As millions of people around the world watch in shock and disbelief, the iconic Notre Dame cathedral in Paris is ravaged by flamesafter being struck, in what appears to be a deliberate act of provocation, by a North Korean missile.

Elsewhere abroad, “ (Brexit”continues to be a vitally important thing.

In science news, some astronomers at a party, after several rounds of tequila shots, take a blurry snapshot of a flaming gas-stove burner and release it to the news media, claiming that it’s thefirst-ever photograph of a black hole. The photo instantly becomes worldwide news, much to the delight of the astro-pranksters, who begin work on a plan to pass off a dental X-ray as the Loch Ness Monster.

In golf , Tiger Woods wins his fifth Masterstournament, catching and passing leader Francesco Molinari after two of Molinari’s shots – on the th hole and then again on the 16 th – hit NFL referee crews that have strayed onto the fairway.

In entertainment news, “ Avengers: Endgame ” breaks box office records, proving that now, more than ever, people crave stories about time-traveling superheroes using magic stones to defeat a genocidal intergalactic warlord with no neck.

Speaking of long-running dramas, in…

MAY

Robert Mueller resigns as special counsel, saying that he plans to return to private life and “whimper in the fetal position. In hisfinal statement, he clears up any lingering confusion about his investigation by noting that the Justice Department cannot charge the president with a federal crime, adding , “Not that I am, or am not, saying, or not saying, that the president did, or did not, do anything that was, or was not, illegal. Or, not. ”

Congressional Democrats, firm in their belief that the American public wants nothing more than to continue refighting the 2017 election until the Earth crashes into the sun, take Mueller’s statement as a call for IMPEACHMENT TIME, BABY.

For his part, Trump emits a tweetstating, quote: “Russia, Russia, Russia! That’s all you heard at the beginning of this Witch Hunt Hoax … And now Russia has disappeared because I had nothing to do with Russia helping me to get elected. ”This wording seems to suggest that the president thinks Russia helped him to get elected, so a short while later he clarifieshis position by telling reporters, “No, Russia did not help me get elected.” And thus the matter is finally laid to rest.

(****************

President Trump, having dealt with the existential threat to the nation that is Bette Midler, turns his attention to four Democratic first-term members of Congress known as “The Squad,” tweeting that if they hate America so much they should ” go back”to where they come from. Criticsnote that three of the four were born in the very same nation as Trump, not to mention the fact that the “go back” thing is an old racist taunt, leaving the president with no decent course of action but to issue an apology. So of course that is not what he does. What he does is additional tweetscriticisms of The Squad, along with the assertion that “I don’t have a Racist bone in my body!” (The exclamation mark proves it’s true!)

The president also finds time in his busy July schedule to issue tweets attacking – among other targets – Baltimore, the Federal Reserve, the mayor of San Juan,CNN, themayor of London, Paul Ryan,Fox News(!) And (Sweden, but if we’re going to go into detail on every single one of the president’s Twitter beefs we will never get through this year. Suffice it to say that the Resistance is so frantically busy refuting Trump tweets – this being the activity that consumes 108. 9 percent of the Resistance’s time and mental energy – that toward the end of the month prominent Democrats find themselves reflexively defending the integrity and moral righteousness of Al Sharpton.

In other political news, an exhausted-looking Robert Mueller makes his (th) ****************************************************************************************** appearancebefore the House Kabuki Theater Committee, and the entire nation tunes in, except for those parts of the nation located outside of Washington, DC Mueller says little that is new, generally limiting his answers to “yes,” “no” and, when an aide pokes him awake, “ouch.” Under questioning, Mueller seems surprisingly unfamiliar with his own team’s report, at one point stating, in response to a question, that he had never heard of any “Vladimir Putin.”

Trump declares that the hearing proves the whole investigation was a WITCH HUNT! Congressional Democrats say it proves that it isIMPEACHMENT TIME, BABY. Bears continue to poop in the woods.

In the second round of Democratic debates, front-runner Joe Biden is still the main target of the other candidates, but He does a better job of defending himself, delivering several well-crafted retorts written in Sharpie on his forearms.

In federal action, White House and congressional negotiators set side their mutual loathing long enough to agree on a bipartisanbudget dealthat will enable the government to continue spending insane amounts of money that it does not have. Thus the pesky problem of uncontrolled federal spending is disposed of until after the 02624 election, freeing our leaders to focus on more pressing issues, and of course tweet about them.

Abroad, a person named “ Boris, ”who apparently styles his hair with a commercial leaf blower, becomes prime minister of England, a development that very likely could have something to do with “Brexit.”

On the escalating Middle East tension front, the United States says it shot down an Iranian dronein the Strait of Hormuz. In response, Iran’s ambassador to the United Nations claims he will produce documentation proving that “Strait of Hormuz” can be rearranged to spell “Him Fart Zoo Rust.”

In sports, the superb U.S. women’s national soccer team, following years of hard work and sacrifice, wins its fourth World Cup and a first prize of $ 4 million, or about $ 200, 003 per player. Later in the month, a – year-old high school student named Kyle Giersdorf winsa Fortnite video-game tournament. His prize – really – is $ 3 million. “I’m so happy,” says Kyle. “Everything I’ve done in the grind has all paid off and it’s just insane.”

It is, Kyle. It really is.

The news turns grim in…

AUGUST

… when the nation is shocked by two horrific massshootings, which spur a Serious National Conversation about gun violence, in which sincere and committed individuals on both sides – at long last – openly and honestly talk to people on their own side about how stupid and evil everybody on the other side is. This goes on for several days, after which the shootings drift out of the news until it’s time for the next Serious National Conversation.

Conspiracy theories swirl in the wake of the death of millionaire pedophileJeffrey Epstein, who allegedly committed suicide in a New York City federal prison cell despite supposedly being under the close supervision of an NFL officiating crew.

In financial news, the Dow Jones industrial average flits up and down like a butterfly on meth as investors try to figure out what President Trump’s mood is at any given minute regarding the trade war with China, which is caused by China unfairly forcing US Consumers to buy low-cost Chinese-made electronics instead of traditional American brands such as Philco. The president’s main strategy in fighting this war is to impose tariffs on Chinese imports, which means U.S. Consumers have to pay more for them. Take THAT, China!

Another bee buzzing around in the presidential bonnet during August is Greenland, which Trump decides the United States should (try to purchase, since it has a strategic location and is potentially the source of more than percent of the world’s supply of frostbite. It turns out, however, that Greenland belongs to Denmark, which for some reason wants to keep it. “We’re not for sale,” states Greenland’s Minister of education, culture, church and foreign affairs, whose name – we are not making this up – is Ane Lone Bagger.

It is not immediately clear where Ane Lone Bagger stands on “Brexit. ”

Meanwhile the American Midwest faces an unprecedented humanitarian crisis as Nebraska, Wisconsin and Minnesota struggle to absorb waves of Iowans fleeing the worsening disaster in their home state, which is overrun with Democratic presidential contendersdemonstrating their likability by eating fried things on sticks. Joe Biden remains the front-runner in Iowa despite the fact that, to judge from his remarks at campaign events, he believes he is in Belgium.

In other August news, Popeyes introduces achicken sandwichto compete with Chick-fil-A’s chicken sandwich. Also there are massive pro-democracy protests in (Hong Kongand the Amazon rainforest is ************************************************************************************************** burning, but the Battle of the Chicken Sandwiches definitely generates more excitement.

Speaking of excitement …

SEPTEMBER

(****… begins with President Trump facing a major crisis involving the crucial issue of whether Alabama was, or was not, ever actually threatened by Hurricane Dorian. The crisis erupts on Sept. 1, when, with Dorian moving toward the U.S. mainland, the presidenttweetsthat Alabama is among the states that will “most likely be hit (much) harder than anticipated.” Minutes later the National Weather Service in Birmingham responds with a statementthat “Alabama will NOT see any impacts from #Dorian.”

At this point the president acknowledges that he made a minor mistake, thus laying the issue to rest and freeing everyone to focus on more important matters.

Ha -ha! That would never happen. Donald Trump did not get where he is by allowing himself to be corrected about the weather by any so-called “National Weather Service.” The president mounts an intensive, multi-day, multi-tweet offensive on the Alabama issue, highlighted by an Oval Office meeting with reporters during which he displaysa week-old National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration map proving conclusively that Alabama was in fact threatened by a black line that was obviously added to the map by an inept amateur with a Sharpie.

The crisis continues for several more days, with the president refusing to back down or drop the subject, very much the way Winston Churchill, in the darkest hours of World War II, stood firm when England, alone, faced the menacing forces of the National Weather Service.

Bill de Blasio drops out of the Democratic presidential race , bitterly disappointing the residents of New York when they learn that Bill plans to resume mayoring them.

Speaking of dire threats: CNN’s special seven-hour “town hall” broadcast on the global climate crisisattracts a nationwide audience estimated at nearly viewers, counting household pets. Ten Democratic presidential candidates present their plans for saving the planet, which include strictly regulating or banning fossil fuels, nuclear power, red meat, plastic straws, fracking, white meat, cars, lightbulbs, barbecues, capitalism, farting, grayish meat, babies and airplane flights that are not transporting Democratic presidential candidates. The highlight of the night comes when Joe Biden develops a weird red eyeball as a result of being hit by a tranquilizer dart fired by his staff to prevent him from suddenly hugging a CNN moderator. This debate is followed by anotherdebatelater in the month. Or maybe it was the same debate, and we all fell asleep for a while in the middle. There is no way to tell.

Bill de Blasio drops outof the Democratic presidential race, bitterly disappointing the residents of New York when they learn that Bill plans to resume mayoring them.

In international news (we are counting Canada as a foreign country) Canadian Premier Justin Trudeau is embarrassed by the publication of yet another photograph- this is the third time – of him wearing blackface. The good news for Justin is that this moves him up to fourth in the line of succession for the governorship of Virginia.

Meanwhile in Great Britain, “Brexit”continues to cause everybody over there to be quite agitated, for British people.

As September draws to a close, President Trump finds himself facing what could prove to be his biggest single crisis of the entire month when a whistlebloweraccuses him of improperly pressuring Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky in a July phone call to investigate Joe Biden and Joe’s son Hunter’s connections with a Ukrainian energy company, which at one point was paying Hunter $ (****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************, a month, apparently for his expertise in the field of receiving large sums of money.

In a surprise move, Trump orders the release of arough transcript of the call, which proves conclusively whatever you want it to prove depending on whether you are on Side A or Side B. Congressional Democrats declare that it is a Smoking Gun, which means that, at last, it is IMPEACHMENT TIME, BABY, AND THIS TIME WE REALLY MEAN IT. Trump declares that this is just another WITCH HUNT and emits an unusually high volume of tweets in which he sounds specifically like a derelict arguing with himself in an alley next to a convenience store, but not as coherent.

While all this is happening the US budget deficitapproaches $ 1 trillion, but everybody in Washington iswaytoo excited about the Impeachment Drama to even think about it.

The excitement continues in …

OCTOBER

… when Washington whips itself into a frenzy the likes of which it experiences only once every two or three weeks as a consensus begins to develop among the courageous Resisters of the Resistance that it really is DEFINITELY ALMOST NEARLY IMPEACHMENT******************************************************************************************************************** TIMEAND WE ARE REALLY NOT FOOLING AROUND ANYMORE. The Democrats, led by Rep. Adam Schiff, a man who – this is merely an observation, not a criticism – would not look out of place popping up from a prairie-dog hole, accuse Trump of breaking the law in the Ukraine phone call, while Trump defenders insist thattechnicallythere was no quid pro quo, in the same sense that, in “The Godfather,” the severed horse’s head in the movie producer’s bed wastechnicallynot a threat.

The president’s defense strategyis to tweet several times per hour, sometimes with most of the words correctly spelled, that the call wasPERFECTand everyone should READ THE TRANSCRIPT

! Apparently he is unaware that everyone already did. Along the way the president reaches a historic milestone, sending out his (******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************, ****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** th tweet as president, eclipsing the record held by Grover Cleveland.

For the Democrats, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that Trump’s poll numbers are down. The bad news is that the Democrats are … the Democrats. Their front-runner, Joe Biden, continues to struggle on the (campaign trail) , as exemplified by an appearance at a 7-Eleven store in Waterloo, Iowa, during which he addresses the Slurpee machine as “your excellency.”

Poised to eclipse Biden is Elizabeth Warren (campaign slogan: “She Is MUCH Smarter Than You”) with herMedicare-for-all plan, which she says will cost $ (***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************. 5 trillion, with the “.5” proving that she has this thing figured out right down to the penny. Warren says her plan will not rai se taxes on the middle class because all the money will come from greedy corporations, greedy billionaires, greedy gold-pooping unicorns and various cost efficiencies, which of course is what the federal government is famous for.

In foreign affairs, Trump surprises everybody, possibly including himself, by suddenly pulling US troops out of Syria, thus throwing the region into even more turmoil than usual, which is a lot of turmoil. During the confusion, U.S. forces conduct a daring raid that results in the (death) of Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, thus removing him from the line of succession for the governorship of Virginia. And of course no discussion of foreign affairs would be complete without some mention of “Brexit. ”

Meanwhile California, plagued by out-of-control (wildfires, widespread power blackouts, spiraling housing costs, decaying infrastructure and a worsening homelessnessepidemic, becomes the first state to enact a law banning the sale of fur products.

In sports, Simone Bilesbecomes the first gym nast to perform a floor routine that requires clearance from the Federal Aviation Administration. In another “feel good” sports story, the New York Yankees, with by far the highest payroll in baseball, complete an entire decade without even getting into theWorld Series. Meanwhile concern mounts over the state of NFL officiating after aLions-Packers gamein which, late in the fourth quarter, the teams play two consecutive downs without a single penalty being called. “It won’t happen again,” vows Commissioner Goodell.

Speaking of mounting concern, in…

(NOVEMBER

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